no more you, no more me

hey you. you probably hated me for being such an asshole. the grandest kind there was. i thought i could keep you all for myself. you had probably felt that i would do anything to keep us together. even if i had to have a shouting match with my father for having seen kissing you. i told myself and held on to that thought that i would be with you for the longest time possible. you might not have known this. or maybe you might have, but chose not to speak of it.

i loved you. you made me love you. when you spoke of your past with him--or them-- i sensed that you had yearned for security. you had been longing for a soft place to land. yet right there in my bed, where we had made love so many times, i felt that you would rather have to stay up all night crying in their beds than sleep in all comfort in mine. i felt like wanting to compete but would i? no. i couldn't measure up to them. many a night i would stay up, my heart pounding, stomach churning -- physical reactions to the matters of the heart.

even so, i stayed. your fingers encaged me into your arms, and i loved being imprisoned there. it was there where your lips fed my addiction to you. it was there where the needle i needed was injected to me in pain, and in pleasure. it was there where you could have become completely mine -- only if the sun would not rise the next day.

we made love. and you conceived lies. you twisted the truth a little bit so as to sound as if i had been born the previous day. i told you the darkest things i had never told anyone about. things that i would even beg the heavenly editors not to include in my book of life. things that i would not write here.

so to seek the truth, i flipped one page of your diary, and another. and another. on every page was a new name of a guy you had slept [or had been sleeping] with. on every page was a different name, complete with all the profile and details from how you unbotton his shirt and unzip his pants to how you loved the warmth of his hands on your skin. every word formed into tiny pins pressing against my chest. it was then as if all my blood was drained from me, my head felt so light. i couldn't say anything. and my actions thereafter were the exact opposite of what i was dying to say. i did not curse. i did not shout. i kissed your eyes and walked away instead.

yet, there you were. trailing behind. was it because you loved me? because you wanted me? or because it felt so damn good to have someone dance into your own hands? what do people call it? ah, ego trip. why didn't you just let me be? i had made a choice. but then, one night, on a casual phone call you told me that you loved me. i never bought that. never.

then why the hell did i love you? one night, you cried over your spilled milk. i didn't know what had happened between you and him, but it was he that had taken hold of your heart. i saw that in your eyes. it was dim in my room, but with what i saw in your eyes, i knew all i could do was hold you close and tight. secretly, after you had fallen asleep, i wept. i had seen one person in so much pain. and that person was calmly breathing in a deep sleep right next to me. days, weeks, months after that night, i was falling in love with you.

then one missent message to my phone from you -- at 4 in the morning.

then a missent email from you. my name is not jason. and you had never called me that.

lies after another. one secret and then more.

like, you had gotten tired of me. so you set your eyes on this military guy from america who would then later send you green cash for what, uhm, your dream to be a nurse in the states? and wasn't it convenient! so you wanted to be a part of the big american dream after all. or so it seemed.until the moshi-moshi-arigato guy came along. or should i say, lured by you. nihonjin ga suki desu ne. nande? okane tame? maybe. probably. most likely.

dumping the dollars for the yen? not so inconvenient, was it?

by this, i was so disgusted to my core i rebelled. i slept with anyone available and willing.

in their cars. on dark street corners. in public restrooms. in cheap and pungent motel rooms.

only to feel the void and chaos raging inside of me.

i had never felt so miserable and dirty in my whole damn life.

they say it takes two to tangle. but how come i blamed you for all of this?

i blamed you because you had no idea how much you had hurt me. yeah, yeah, yeah. so cliche. you had no idea how many nights i had to stay up late just thinking how you could be so calm about your lies being uncovered or obvious, and me being so disgusted by them. did you like it when i was so disgusted by you? or perhaps you had no single solitary clue that i was spewing out my intestines out everytime you spill your lies on me.

you thought our relationship was one that was "you-love-me-so-i-know-you're-not-gonna-leave-me" type? trust me when i wanted to walk out on you when i did, i so meant it. but then again, you would either stand in my way or trail behind.

the cycle i rode with you was so sickening i had always wanted it to stop.part of me would rather stay in the tracks -- keep on being sick and be with you. but most of me wanted to just jump off. and thank god i did it. and thank god again for the broken parts i acquired from the fall. my heart had the most damage.

then after quite a long while the great good old me came to you one night. it must have been the withdrawal from my addiction to you. and much to my regret [or "humiliation" might be the proper term], you left me untouched and cold and clad despite efforts almost criminal. you know how it made me feel? not even close to a single grain of sand. and each time you dished japan-made items out of that box, you blew me into a blackhole.

had you ever stopped and thought of me even just for a short while? why i did what i did? why i wanted you like i did? why i saw you through when i did? why i let you let me love you like i did? you always resisted me. you dismissed my joys. you took my concerns for granted. you shut me out. and news flash: it hurt.

now i can't apologize to you for the things i have already apologized to you for. i do apologize for being such an asshole when i was. and can be. there is nothing that can be said nor done that could change anything. your words are just that, words [or lies]. my words, nothing.

this whole thing must have appeased you. and with this whole damn thing, i may repel you, in any conceivable way. keep in mind, though, that i don't hate you. i had always emphasized that. and if there was anything at all that seemed to appear the other way around, my apologies. i may have just been disgusted by you and with myself for letting happen what did. all in the name of what i had always believed was love.

and with such immense repulsion i feel towards you, there is no way you could ever come near me again. nor to any of my endeavors.

i guess that ride on a flat boat would never happen after all.

no more beach side nights for us anymore. they were so repugnant anyway. loathesome, as you had put it.

i would miss your drawings, though. now i could be honest about them being not so award-winning but i knew how much effort and ability you had put into them.

no more friendship. no more fights. no more lies nor truths that would bind us or break us both. no more tears. nor laughs. even farts.

no more words from each other. no more you. no more me.

but i owe you big time. i owe you lessons learned only by spending time with you. lessons learned only by sleeping with you. crying with you. laughing with you. talking with you. listening to you. i owe this verdana font to you.

i really loved you.

i don't know what forgiveness is. maybe it doesn't matter. or probably it is not necessary. i believe i am at peace now. i am out of your life. it is a choice. surely it is destiny. and i'd rather it remained that way -- forever.

good bye.