moving in

先週の土曜日に、ジンスーの学生と一緒に住む為にCastle Hotelに引越した。ここではいいんだけど、家にもっともっと帰りたい。多分、それは、新しい経験だ。ここに慣れるかもしらない。だけど。 。

i moved in to the catle hotel last saturday. i really wanna go home though. this may be a new experience for me, and i might as well get used to it, but. .

no more you, no more me

hey you. you probably hated me for being such an asshole. the grandest kind there was. i thought i could keep you all for myself. you had probably felt that i would do anything to keep us together. even if i had to have a shouting match with my father for having seen kissing you. i told myself and held on to that thought that i would be with you for the longest time possible. you might not have known this. or maybe you might have, but chose not to speak of it.

i loved you. you made me love you. when you spoke of your past with him--or them-- i sensed that you had yearned for security. you had been longing for a soft place to land. yet right there in my bed, where we had made love so many times, i felt that you would rather have to stay up all night crying in their beds than sleep in all comfort in mine. i felt like wanting to compete but would i? no. i couldn't measure up to them. many a night i would stay up, my heart pounding, stomach churning -- physical reactions to the matters of the heart.

even so, i stayed. your fingers encaged me into your arms, and i loved being imprisoned there. it was there where your lips fed my addiction to you. it was there where the needle i needed was injected to me in pain, and in pleasure. it was there where you could have become completely mine -- only if the sun would not rise the next day.

we made love. and you conceived lies. you twisted the truth a little bit so as to sound as if i had been born the previous day. i told you the darkest things i had never told anyone about. things that i would even beg the heavenly editors not to include in my book of life. things that i would not write here.

so to seek the truth, i flipped one page of your diary, and another. and another. on every page was a new name of a guy you had slept [or had been sleeping] with. on every page was a different name, complete with all the profile and details from how you unbotton his shirt and unzip his pants to how you loved the warmth of his hands on your skin. every word formed into tiny pins pressing against my chest. it was then as if all my blood was drained from me, my head felt so light. i couldn't say anything. and my actions thereafter were the exact opposite of what i was dying to say. i did not curse. i did not shout. i kissed your eyes and walked away instead.

yet, there you were. trailing behind. was it because you loved me? because you wanted me? or because it felt so damn good to have someone dance into your own hands? what do people call it? ah, ego trip. why didn't you just let me be? i had made a choice. but then, one night, on a casual phone call you told me that you loved me. i never bought that. never.

then why the hell did i love you? one night, you cried over your spilled milk. i didn't know what had happened between you and him, but it was he that had taken hold of your heart. i saw that in your eyes. it was dim in my room, but with what i saw in your eyes, i knew all i could do was hold you close and tight. secretly, after you had fallen asleep, i wept. i had seen one person in so much pain. and that person was calmly breathing in a deep sleep right next to me. days, weeks, months after that night, i was falling in love with you.

then one missent message to my phone from you -- at 4 in the morning.

then a missent email from you. my name is not jason. and you had never called me that.

lies after another. one secret and then more.

like, you had gotten tired of me. so you set your eyes on this military guy from america who would then later send you green cash for what, uhm, your dream to be a nurse in the states? and wasn't it convenient! so you wanted to be a part of the big american dream after all. or so it seemed.until the moshi-moshi-arigato guy came along. or should i say, lured by you. nihonjin ga suki desu ne. nande? okane tame? maybe. probably. most likely.

dumping the dollars for the yen? not so inconvenient, was it?

by this, i was so disgusted to my core i rebelled. i slept with anyone available and willing.

in their cars. on dark street corners. in public restrooms. in cheap and pungent motel rooms.

only to feel the void and chaos raging inside of me.

i had never felt so miserable and dirty in my whole damn life.

they say it takes two to tangle. but how come i blamed you for all of this?

i blamed you because you had no idea how much you had hurt me. yeah, yeah, yeah. so cliche. you had no idea how many nights i had to stay up late just thinking how you could be so calm about your lies being uncovered or obvious, and me being so disgusted by them. did you like it when i was so disgusted by you? or perhaps you had no single solitary clue that i was spewing out my intestines out everytime you spill your lies on me.

you thought our relationship was one that was "you-love-me-so-i-know-you're-not-gonna-leave-me" type? trust me when i wanted to walk out on you when i did, i so meant it. but then again, you would either stand in my way or trail behind.

the cycle i rode with you was so sickening i had always wanted it to stop.part of me would rather stay in the tracks -- keep on being sick and be with you. but most of me wanted to just jump off. and thank god i did it. and thank god again for the broken parts i acquired from the fall. my heart had the most damage.

then after quite a long while the great good old me came to you one night. it must have been the withdrawal from my addiction to you. and much to my regret [or "humiliation" might be the proper term], you left me untouched and cold and clad despite efforts almost criminal. you know how it made me feel? not even close to a single grain of sand. and each time you dished japan-made items out of that box, you blew me into a blackhole.

had you ever stopped and thought of me even just for a short while? why i did what i did? why i wanted you like i did? why i saw you through when i did? why i let you let me love you like i did? you always resisted me. you dismissed my joys. you took my concerns for granted. you shut me out. and news flash: it hurt.

now i can't apologize to you for the things i have already apologized to you for. i do apologize for being such an asshole when i was. and can be. there is nothing that can be said nor done that could change anything. your words are just that, words [or lies]. my words, nothing.

this whole thing must have appeased you. and with this whole damn thing, i may repel you, in any conceivable way. keep in mind, though, that i don't hate you. i had always emphasized that. and if there was anything at all that seemed to appear the other way around, my apologies. i may have just been disgusted by you and with myself for letting happen what did. all in the name of what i had always believed was love.

and with such immense repulsion i feel towards you, there is no way you could ever come near me again. nor to any of my endeavors.

i guess that ride on a flat boat would never happen after all.

no more beach side nights for us anymore. they were so repugnant anyway. loathesome, as you had put it.

i would miss your drawings, though. now i could be honest about them being not so award-winning but i knew how much effort and ability you had put into them.

no more friendship. no more fights. no more lies nor truths that would bind us or break us both. no more tears. nor laughs. even farts.

no more words from each other. no more you. no more me.

but i owe you big time. i owe you lessons learned only by spending time with you. lessons learned only by sleeping with you. crying with you. laughing with you. talking with you. listening to you. i owe this verdana font to you.

i really loved you.

i don't know what forgiveness is. maybe it doesn't matter. or probably it is not necessary. i believe i am at peace now. i am out of your life. it is a choice. surely it is destiny. and i'd rather it remained that way -- forever.

good bye.

i really wanna work there, but. . .

夕べは、知らない女の人とコーヒーブレークと言う喫茶店で合った。彼女はいとこの日本語で書いてある通知表を翻訳して欲しかった。たくさん漢字が書いてあったから、翻訳できなかった。でも、彼女が二日間に待てれば、たぶん、あの書面を英語に翻訳できると言った。今まで彼女は連絡しなかった。

バコロドで働いている友達は彼の働いている学校で働きたいかどうかメッセージを送った。本当に働きたいよ。だって。 。 借金がいっぱいよ。あのバコロドの高校の最初の給料は八千ペソだけだ。だって。。あそこで働きたいんだ。。借金だから、バコロドで働くのことは無理だと思っている。そのことは残念だけど、しかたがない。

haikus [or seemingly so]

Playful

Yarn balls soft they roll

back and forth a kitten's paws

on a wooden floor.

Untitled

His room enters she

window sills light passes through

'neath covers weeps he.

Wet

Rain falls, washes trees

leaves sway to the whooshing breeze

birds' nest wet on twigs.

Sweet Escape

Take my hand let's flee

across rice fields to the sea

at moonrise with me.

For A Rainy Day

An ant from a mound

tiny bread crumbs on the ground

thunder's distant sound.

maybe one day

昨日、俺の教室で一人で『When A Man Loves A Woman』と言う曲を聞いていた。メロディは感動させていると思っているのに、、その歌の意味が感じられなかった。なんでかなぁー。。。だって、会いたい人がいるんだけど、お互いに遥かに住んでいるよ。それは大変だけど、大丈夫。多分、いつか、会える。で、あの日は必ず、この世界で一番素晴らしい日になる！！！

there's one person i want to see though we live so far away from each other. maybe someday, we will be able to cross paths. and that day will defy all the natural laws i have ever known.

just like the moon

just like the moon,

i gaze at you

stunned by fascination

just like the moon,

you set my mind

in orbital motion

just like the moon,

you pull me close

in such strange cosmic force

just like the moon,

now i see you

then i see you not

just like the moon,

i gaze at you

but cannot touch.

a good samaritan

先週の日曜日に、モールに行きながら、ポケットから、五百ペソが気付けらなく落ちた。だって、男の人は後ろから俺に呼んでいた。『これはあなたのお金ですか』と彼は俺に追い付いてたずねた。俺はポケットに手探りして、五百が本当になくて、びっくりしちゃった。そして、お金をさりげなく取り戻した。彼にかんしゃしていた。くりかえしてかんしゃしていた。彼は、ただほほえんで、歩いて行った。知っていない人にお金を戻している人がまだいるのことはびっくりした。俺はあの人はだったら、そんなにことをするかもしれなかった。本当に。


a 5oo peso bill fell from my pocket as i was on my way to a mall last sunday. to my surprise, a man from behind came up to me and asked me if the money belonged to me. i felt my pocket for the valuable 5oo peso bill but it wasn't there. of course, i took the money back and thanked him over and over and over. he just smiled and walked off. i still can't believe that there are people who would return such amount of money to people they don't know. if i had been him, i might have done the same.

when the stars go blue

星は青くなったら、どこへ行く? 恋人の胸へ?



so, where do you go when the stars go blue? to your lover's heart?

angel

優美に歌っているね。。



doesn't she just sings gracefully!!^^

いつも側にいるよ

恋愛はどこに? 側にないよ。



where is the love? hehehe^^

we won!!!

一昨日はジンスーの英語の日だった。コンテストの為に、生徒は三のグループに
分けられた。で、俺と、アニー、ローギン、グレグ、ジョエルは三グループにぞく
した。それで、いろいろな英語のことの活動の為に、我々は生徒を訓練しなきゃ
いけなかった。訓練は大変で、難しかった。時々、練習の為に、来た生徒はたり
なかった。例えば、韻文がっしょうたいのばいは生徒は興味がなそうで、いつで
も不平を言っていた。我々は死ぬほど教えていたけど、生徒達は真剣じゃなそう
だった。叫びたかったよ。だって、完ぺきな上演が欲しかった。疲れたんだけど、
もっと練習したかった。ロージンはデクレメイションの代表を訓練した。アニー
とジョエルは、デュエットの代表と。俺はオレイションの代表と。皆は韻文がっ
しょうたいにさんかした生徒とよく訓練した。韻文がっしょうたいの名前は
『The Congo』でした。韻文がっしょうたいは一番だった。そして、やっぱり、勝っ
たんだ！嬉しくなった！！誇ったよ！！賞は、ブルーオシャンと言うレストラン
で夕ご飯だった。俺は行かなかったんだけど。

木蓮の涙

初めては、アーティストは前の恋人の新しいボーイフレンドみたい。それでびっく
りした。 。 。ハハハ。 。 。曲は大好きなんだけど。 。 。



one of them looks like my ex's new guy. . hahaha. . darn. .

サクラ

コブクロの声は、タケシさんの声のように同じです。きれいな歌ですね。



they sound like my friend takeshi. doesn't the song sound beautiful!! ^^

白い色は恋人の色

かわいい。いつかゆっくり彼女たちに会いたいよ。。^^



cute. . wanna see them face-to-face one day. . ^^

3 count

この曲はゆるませている。



this song makes me feel so laid back. . .

candy

初めてこの曲を聞いたら、彼女の名前を知っていなかったのに、瞬間に彼女の顔に
恋にしちゃたよ。へへ
名前は『mandy moore』です。



the moment i saw her on MTV, i instantly fell in love with her. . .
the name is mandy. . . hehe ^^

back to good

その曲は俺を絶対にうんざりさせない。聞いたら、遅くまで起きさせている。



keeps me all night simply by just listening to it. .

hey boy hey girl

その曲は高校生の時に有名でした。それを聞いたら、郷愁になります。



takes me back to high school. . ^^

winding road

この曲は強力ですが、意義ぶかいです。

bad drive

そこのボアのビデオはユーチューブに見つけた。最初に聞いた時に、すぐに大好きだった。ビートと、ダンスステープはすごく楽しかった。俺は彼女ように踊られることを望んでいる。教えてくれないの。^^

i fell for the song the second i saw it on you tube. . i like the beat and the dance steps. .

i wish i had her legs for dancing. . ^^