TAY~~

it is almost 3 in the morning and i am still here in front of the PC monitor. .

i can't sleep.

i am repeatedly listening to the song called "whiter shade of pale". surely it's a remake coz i had heard the original version with my father when i was a kid.

my father. .

he was probably enjoying the song then; he liked this kind of music. particularly that of the beatles.

now that i am listening to it, memories of him keep flooding my head that i can't contain them all.

i miss him so much.

he was the strongest man with the kindest heart i had ever known. i am not sure if i had even been there for him in his weakest times. i always regarded him as someone who could handle everything without depending on anyone.

he raised us on his own. he was never selfish. always giving. always considerate.

now i just want to make some tuna sandwiches and eat them with him and talk about work. about my brother. about my mother. about reparing our house together. and the short pants he had asked for which i never had the chance to buy for him.

i want to ask him to watch some movies together and argue about the actors he did not even know.

i want to talk to him about about how the beatles got so popular.

i want to share his knowledge about the 70's.

i want to clean up the mess he would make after making his afternoon coffee. then complain about it to him.

i want to apologize for talking back to him for so many times i can't remember now why and when.

i want to make up for the four long years of not speaking to him during my high school years.

i want to thank him for teaching me my first abc's. for making me a wooden gun. for taking me to school and for fetching me every lunchtime. for selling his chickens for my school project. for telling me that i had to love my brother no matter what. for keeping his temper when i took home someone he despised. for loving my mother in his own ways. for the security he always made me feel.

now i don't feel so safe anymore.

i want to hear his voice.

look at his face.

and call him TATAY over and over and over and over and over. .

and just hug him tightly.

tell him i love him.

and get those short pants he asked for.

i would give him a thousand pairs.